How to apologize, and mean it

Pick what happened. The builder drafts an apology with the six parts research says work, and flags the phrases that turn "sorry" into a non-apology.

What happened?

Make it yours

How did it make them feel? Pick up to two

What will you do differently?

How will you make it right?

Their name optional Ask for forgiveness at the end

Send as a text

If there has been violence, threats or fear in your relationship, an apology is not enough. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.

For the moment it gets heated

UnFight: Couples & Marriage for iPhone

UnFight is a private place to pause during an argument, find clearer words and decide what to do next. Calm the moment with a short guided pause, take a break with an editable "I want to continue this later" message, and find your words before you say something you regret. Nothing is ever sent for you.

Free to download, and the calming pause and break timer are always free and unlimited. UnFight Premium is optional: monthly, annual or a one-time lifetime purchase.

How to apologize to your partner, according to research

In 2016 researchers at Ohio State University tested how 755 people reacted to apologies containing anywhere from one to six parts: an expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, acknowledgment of responsibility, a declaration of repentance, an offer of repair and a request for forgiveness. The more parts an apology had, the better it worked.

Not all parts were equal. The most important was acknowledging responsibility: saying plainly that it was your fault. Second was an offer of repair, because it shows you will act, not just talk. Regret, explanation and repentance tied for third. Asking for forgiveness mattered least. The lead researcher said it is the one you can leave out if you have to.

The builder above puts all six in, in an order that sounds like a person rather than a form. The meter shows which parts are present, and the two starred parts are the ones the study found matter most.

Phrases that turn an apology into a non-apology

"I'm sorry, but…" The word "but" tells the other person the real message comes next.
"I'm sorry you feel that way." This apologizes for their feelings, not your actions.
"If I hurt you…" If you are apologizing, you already know it hurt.
"You made me…" Blame has no place in an apology. Talk about your part only.
"Mistakes were made." Passive voice hides who made them. Use "I".

Switch to "Check one I wrote" and paste your own message. The checker flags these phrases and tells you which important parts are missing.

Text or in person?

A text is fine for a small thing, or to open the door when someone needs space. For anything bigger, use the message as your script and say it in person. The researchers noted that eye contact and tone matter for a spoken apology. Read it aloud once first. If you would not say a line face to face, change it.

After you apologize

Do the repair you offered, and do it soon. Then follow through on the change. An apology you repeat without changing anything loses its meaning fast. If the same fight keeps coming back, the problem is usually the pattern, not the single argument.

Questions people ask

What is the most important part of an apology?

Taking responsibility. In the 2016 Ohio State study, acknowledging that it was your fault was the single most effective part of an apology. Offering to repair the damage came second.

Should I ask for forgiveness when I apologize?

You can, but the same study found it was the least important part. Many people prefer to ask gently and leave room, such as "I'll understand if you need time." The builder lets you switch it off.

How do I apologize to my girlfriend or boyfriend after a fight?

Wait until you are both calm, then own what you did without explaining it away, say how you think it made them feel, tell them what you will do differently and offer something concrete to make it right. Pick the situation above and the builder writes a first draft you can edit.

Is it OK to apologize over text?

For small things, yes. For bigger hurts, a text can open the door, but say it in person or on a call when you can. Tone and eye contact carry a lot.

What if they don't accept my apology?

Give them time. Forgiveness is theirs to give, and pushing for it can undo the apology. Keep doing the repair and the change you promised.

Is anything I type saved?

No. Everything stays in your browser and nothing is sent anywhere.